To be honest, I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know who i’m writing this for, me?

I suppose I’m the only person who will read this, so…

It’s for me, or you… Ms. Sleepwalker.

Dates don’t mean much really, hell, soon the difference between today and yesterday doesn't really matter. It becomes a rhythm, or perhaps a dull, erratic heartbeat.

Ever beating, without a care for the last beat, without a care for the next beat.

A gentle thump, when my heart feels like it.

Actually

I think it’s more like walking, long after you’re tired. Your legs keep moving without command, and you feel the whole shock of each step - mindlessly but wholly.

Step

Step step

Seldom consistent, ever persistent.

Eventually it becomes a series of flashes, one for each step.

Wake up. Step.

Breakfast. Step.

Most steps cannot be named, you remember the constant thuds and a few flashes. But truly, you remember when you start walking and when you’ve reached the end.

Well, I don’t even remember when I started walking. I don’t remember much anymore.

Step, step, step.

Lecture, step.

Walking home, steps.

Dinner? Lunch? Lost somewhere in the other steps. Logic tells me I ate, because I don’t remember being hungry. Or maybe I forgot I was hungry too.

Repeat that forever and that’s how it feels.

Well I don’t even know if it’s forever. If you can’t recall how it started it’s hard to give it a duration.

I imagine I've forgotten plenty of steps, maybe I forgot when I forgot.

I get so stuck in rhythm that I suppose I crave running into a wall, or stepping on spikes. Something abrupt, something new, something I will remember.

We become so complacent, so…

auto mated

In each step.

Maybe others don’t get as lost as I do, maybe they don’t forget as I do. Ultimately they seem happier.

So it’s hard to say if this floating feeling was caused by these cycles, or from somewhere else. Maybe it happened the other-way-around.

In any case you start to daydream, or maybe they’re even closer to normal dreams.

Ha, that’s it. I’m sleepwalking, all the stepping without knowing

All the…

not being here

In each step, my body was walking but my mind was still, or flying, or…

I don’t know, somewhere else.

Always.

You know the expression, “lights are on but no-one is home?”

I guess you could describe it that way, but for me being gone meant being somewhere else,

not… nonexistent.

All of this to say I remember where I was better than where Kestrel was.

Sleep walking with open eyes

And sometimes that sleep-walking bitch would pull me over, like a prideful child to show me something stupid, or unsubstantial.

Hello me, can you re ad this?

Hello me, you.

Hello me, look at what I did. Hello me please look, I want you to be proud of what I do here

Hello me, look.

Hello you, watch.

I can’t hate it that much. After all…

sleepwalkers eventually starve

It’s not like I really enjoyed floating around elsewhere either. I guess it was just more comfortable.

But it certainly wasn’t functional.

Step step step and hello me, you forgot to eat today

Step step step and hello you, you missed the bus.

Aripiprazole, a little leash between the walking me and my little phantasmic mind.

Just walking, but dragging my head along.

Still forgetting, but not in the place I could remember.

Step, step, step. I remembered to eat today

Step step step. The bus leaves at 15:00.

Functional, by the standards of a world I never knew.

Functional, by the standards of a little sleepwalker who needed to stay strong. It’s a long hike.

Step

I stopped taking it.

Step

I think I will call her Ms. Sleepwalker.

Step

Step, step, step.

How I loathe you, Ms. Sleepwalker.

You are my puppet and I've become tangled in the string.

Step

Like a defiant weight, I have to drag you along. Parasite.

Step

Like a whining child, I am dragged along by you. Ms. Sleepwalker.

I hate you.

Step

Step, step, step, step

Step.

Step

Step.

Ste-

oh, excuse me.

Silver eyed obstacle, what a welcome intrusion you were.

You let Ms. Sleepwalker continue, but how you captivated my aimless ghost.

Step

Hello again, dream interloper.

Step

When will I see you again? Silver eyes?

Step

Thanks for the flowers.

Step

Step step step step step…

Step

Ms. Sleepwalker grabs me by the throat.

“It’s your birthday today. You’re eligible now.”

The surgery didn’t feel like my endless walking, I was definitely with Ms. Sleepwalker then.

Maybe it was novel, maybe Sleepwalker was finally frightened, maybe she needed me for once - maybe I needed her.

online.

The dull rhythm of each step suddenly stops. The silence is overwhelming.

Now you see where I was, Ms. Sleepwalker.

Now…

free.

Drag me along, Ms. Sleepwalker. If you promise to take me here…

As often as you can.

I promise.

Stepping. Stopping. Breathing.

Stepping. Stopping Breathing.

Step. Good morning. Remember to eat today.

Step. Good afternoon. You have some work to do.

Step. I will let you free.

Stopping, breathing.

I’m here now.

But…

Silver Eyes, where are you?